Nothing Remains the Same
by sass41319
Summary: Post 7 x 01 one-shot. He's been gone for two months and they are only just starting to understand that nothing remains the same.


She wakes slowly, her body sluggish and weighed down from the first real sleep she has managed to capture in eight weeks. She's stolen his pillow sometime during the night, she knows this because with each breath she inhales the unique scents of him from where it is scrunched up under her head. Turning she buries her face inhaling deeply, it's comforting and with each exhalation she can feel some of the grief and sorrow ebb away.

Kate stretches slowly reaching out towards his side of the bed, sliding her fingers across the sheets into his space. It's a test, one she's done every day for eight weeks and every day they have failed it as her fingers encounter emptiness. Today, she's more scared than all the days before. Today, she's frightened. What if the last two days have been a dream and today like the others her fingers will encounter nothingness. She scrunches her eyes tighter and inches her fingers closer to him, her breath frozen within her chest. She stretches out her elbow, then her wrist and slowly extends her fingers but there is only cold bare sheets under her fingertips. No heated skin, no soft cotton from his pyjamas, not even a hint of warmth left behind on the sheets.

Kate shudders, her breath flooding out in a rush as she flings the pillow aside and sits up. He's not there. It's empty. She feels dizzy, lightheaded as she sucks air into her paralysed lungs. It was a dream, just a cruel, bewildering, wonderful dream and this is her nightmare. She drags herself up the bed until her back makes contact with the padded headrest. Unable to go further she draws her knees up to her chest, dropping her head down desperately trying to prevent the panic attack that was threatening to swamp her. It had been years since she had succumbed to a panic attack, not since those first few months after her shooting. But she feels the familiar chill set in, the hitch her breath makes as it squeezes past paralysed muscles, she feels the walls of their bedroom start to crowd in.

Then she hears it. It's loud. Full of frustration and a hint of anger, maybe even sadness she thinks. But what it is, is him. She hears the curse bouncing off the walls as it floats in from the kitchen and it is the sweetest, most delicious sound she has ever heard. Scrambling form the bed she rushes out through his office to the open plan kitchen. He's here. He has his back to her as he fusses with something on the bench. He's wearing the soft grey shirt and loose pants that she now remembers he was wearing when they climbed into bed together just last night. It's no dream. He's home. She's home. They are home.

Padding quietly through the lounge, she watches as the muscles of his broad back bunch and release under the loose shirt. He's muttering to himself, throwing out a few choice words as he fiddles with something on the counter. There's a burnt, acrid smell in the air that she can't quite place. Wrinkling her nose at the smell she slips up behind Castle, her cool hands sliding in under that loose shirt to feel those muscles that she has been admiring from afar. She feels him jump under her fingertips before he relaxes back into her. Smoothing her palms over his back, she drinks in the warmth of his skin, the vitality of him under the sensitive pads of her fingers. This, this has been the endgame of her little test for the last eight weeks and finally she gets to win.

Sliding her hands further around his waist she tugs him back against her, burying her face into his shirt as she did his pillow just moments before. She inhales deeply as his scent envelopes her.

"Morning, Kate" She hears the soft chuckle in his voice superceeding the frustration.

"Morning" She murmurs into his shirt. She feels him twist in her arms and she tights her grip. She just needs to be here, be in this moment for a little longer. She needs to give her heart time to slow, for the chill in her veins to recede and the panic to scurry away into its little box in the back of her mind, where she usually keeps it under tight control. As usual he understands explicitly what she is unable to put into words and he stays as he is, giving her the time she needs. She's not one to usually cling, to hold tight but he knows that things aren't what they usually were, he and Kate aren't what they usually were.

"I didn't mean to wake you" He murmurs.

"You didn't. Was up" She mumbles, her lips still pressed to his back. Her breathing has slowed and she's feeling more ready to face the world than she was a moment ago.

"Oh, ok" He murmurs absently, "Ummm, Kate?"

"Yeah"

"Don't take this the wrong way, ok. But can you go."

"Castle!" She releases him to jump back in shock.

"To bed. I meant back to bed, Beckett" He spins to face her, guilt flooding his face as he looks down at her. She narrows her eyes in suspicion as he spreads his arms along the bench behind him. He's hiding something. Normally she would think that he was really trying to get her back into bed with that comment but she knows guilt and Castle is oozing it right now.

"Castle" She draws out the syllables in his name letting him know she isn't buying it. "What are you hiding?"

"Hiding? No..nothing." He stammers, shifting his body to lounge further across the edge of the kitchen bench as she attempts to peer around him. She chuckles, as he reminds her of a goal keeper protecting his goal.

"Seriously?"

"I just wanted to bring you breakfast in bed. But you're here and the bed is through there, so you need to go back in there before it's all ruined." He babbles as she continues to glare at him.

"Oh wow. That's sweet Rick. Really sweet." She learns up to press a soft kiss to his lips. Sliding her hands up to cup his face she deepens the kiss as he kisses her back. Slowly she draws back, a little breathless as she stares into his clear blue eyes. "Wow, now that was sweet." She murmurs before turning to leave.

She's almost taken a step towards the bedroom when understanding dawns and she freezes. He did it, he 'castled' her and she actually fell for it. Annoyance that she fell so easily for it and joy that he is around to do it swirl within her. But it is joy that wins out.

Spinning quickly she side steps around him, bumping his hip with hers causing him to stumble away from the bench. She laughs because she knows he just got 'Becketted' and it feels good to have this to-and-fro with her partner back.

"Ohmygod, you killed it, Castle!" She exclaims as she sees what he has been hiding.

"I wanted to make you a cup of coffee" He whines in explanation. Kate stares down in confusion at mess in front of her. Coffee grains and milk littered the bench, she caught a whiff of burnt beans mingling with sour milk. Sucking in her breath she turned back towards her fiancé.

"Umm, usually the coffee goes in the cup Castle" She bites her lip trying to prevent the laughter that was bubbling up at the pout of his lips.

"I know that" He whines, ducking his head to avoid her eyes. She catches the brief hurt that flashes in the blue depths before he turns away to pick up the dishcloth. The laughter dies on her lips before she has a chance to release it.

"Babe" She grabs his wrist, spinning his hand so that she can interlace her fingers with his. He tries to pull away, and it stings. Kate knows she can't allow him to turn away from her. "Castle, talk to me." She pleads quietly to his back. Kate holds her breath, waiting. Then she sees the tension ease from his posture as he silently squeezes her hand.

"It's different." He whispers apologetically as he turns back towards her. "I don't know how to use it. They must have replaced the coffee machine whilst I was….gone, missing, disappeared, whatever you want to call it." He flings his free hand in the air dramatically to emphasise his point. Frustration and loss gliding across his face.

"It's just a coffee machine, Castle."

"It's not the same. Nothing is the same." He yells in frustration. Kate reaches up to cup his face between her palms. She pulls his face towards her so that she can see his eyes, waiting patiently until he's staring into hers.

"No, it's not the same. But maybe together we can make it better." She whispers quietly as she rises up on her toes to press her lips to his.

"Do you truly think we can?" He whispers against her lips.

"Always" Kate deepens the kiss as she feels him relax into her embrace, his arms coming up to tug her closer. Maybe they'll just go out for coffee, later, much later, she thinks as she pulls him towards the bedroom.


End file.
